Pheasant Under Glass

WARNING!!!! The content of this post may be graphic and unsuitable for people who are about to eat dinner.

I was driving near Dickinson, ND the other day for my job. For those of you that don’t know where Dickinson is, it’s not near anything, really. I can’t even explain it to you it is so remote. The people there however, ARE VERY NICE. I want to make this clear so you know it’s not a complete waste of time to go there and in case any of them read my blog.

Because of the nothingness that surrounds Dickinson, the speed limit on the interstate that takes you there is 75 mph, which, when I do a quick little math calculation in my head, means 82. So there I was, slightly speeding, mindlessly looking at nothing but fields, when out of the blue I heard a loud THWACK. I saw feathers dispersing themselves around my car  and I saw a bird flying off to the left.

Doggy Doo…Doggy Did.

Some people have dogs who have bad breath. Some have dogs that just smell so…doggy. Most people have dogs who, for some unknown reason (and believe me there are scientists working on this), have an urgent and consistent desire to sniff the crotch of everyone they meet. This makes it difficult to carry on polite conversation as was the case with a neighbor of mine.

“Hi! Yes I just stopped by to… Aaccckkk!” I squeezed my thighs shut.

“Oh don’t worry about him”, they explained brightly. “He’s just friendly!”

“Friendly?! I stared at them in bewilderment. The furry monster was trying to give me a free pap smear!” 

“Oh….right…well…er….” “There is no bacon there. Go away!”, I hissed telepathically.

I had now maneuvered myself into a cross legged, half squat stance with my hand in the Heisman position batting unsuccessfully at his nose. The owner finally scooted the dog away while giving me the I-can’t-believe-you-don’t like-dogs look. I straightened and started to relax, only to realize that I now had a big damp patch on my crotch that no one else would believe came from a dog. My face grew hot with embarrassment as if this was somehow my fault. I dislike other people’s dogs.